I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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