Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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