I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
