My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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