I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize