I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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