Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
