I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
