fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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