i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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