guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
