My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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