Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
