I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
