im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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