420 ftw
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
