Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
