It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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