so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize