hotel room ftw
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
