So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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