Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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