did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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