what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
