You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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