his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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