I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
