My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
