i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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