she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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