So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
