Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
