Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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