its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
