I puked a lego.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
