Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
