she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
