i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize