New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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