Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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