the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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