just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize