i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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