i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
