You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
