Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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