i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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