my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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