I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
