I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
