There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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