I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize