Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
