i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
