a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
