i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize