The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Congratulations! We have a period
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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