I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
