I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish you could order shots online.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
