dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
