last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
