if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
